So my biggest mistake in life is caring way to much about what other people think about me and overthinking every little thing. My biggest fear is people not answering me back whenever I go out of my way to try and talk to them. I get really scared when they don't answer back because I think that I did something wrong. I always just end up torturing myself trying to analyze every little detail that I said or did to find reasons why I am being ignored when usually the fact is that they can't get to the phone or just super busy.
I think so highly of these people and expect the things I do out of them because I would do the same thing for them. I always answer my phone 24/7 for people because you never know when you are going to be needed by your friends, no matter what time of the day or night it is. This is where people tend to take advantage of me because they will always know I will be there and I always end up getting hurt.
I am one of those people that needs to spend time with the people I care about. It's just how I am because just talking to people or texting is not the same thing. I need to be face to face with people and it hurts that for some that is impossible. I would love to spend more time with them but there are some barriers that are impossible to cross. Also there are some girls out there that need to be told they are loved before they can begin to feel it themselves, because in order for me to love myself I need to be told by other people that I am cared about, and how is that possible whenever I never get to talk to those people. I mean all I'm asking for is a few minutes of conversation and apparently that is extremely difficult for some people. If I could change these things about myself I would because it makes me feel clingy and needy and I hate that because I never wanted to be somebody like that. I just get so scared that they are going to walk out of my life and in order for me to keep them close I just like to hear their voice every once in awhile.
Sometimes I wish I was a different person, somebody whose mind isn't constantly at war with itself. But I know that the things that have happened to me in the past has made me the way I am today. I am a stronger because I have known pain.
So I know I can be annoying when I constantly try and make contact with people, but I ask you to bear with me. It is just the way I am and if I can stop it I would, but it terrifies me that you will walk out of my life. I have seen many people who I've gotten close to turn around and walk away and I just don't want that happening again because I love all of you like family and you all have been there for me when nobody else was. I thank God everyday that I have some of the most amazing people in my life and I don't want that to change. For apparently He thought I was strong enough to live this life....but I am stronger with you in it.
*Amanda*
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