The Things That Hurt Me

I am a very shy person. If I never met you before, I can tell you right now that I have a hard time talking to you. I am not a conversation starter and I am very nervous around new people especially men. Older men terrify me to talk to because my dad made sure of that. That's why I ended up blowing my scholorship interview last year. I had to sit in a huge room in a little chair in front of 10 guys that worked at the Farm Bureau. They just sat there and stared at me and I felt so small. I couldn't think of anything important that I did with my life and everything I said just seemed insignificant.

I let people get into my head way to easily and comments they say can really stick in there. It starts to affect the things I say and do and I start believing everything they tell me about myself. It really makes me feel like I'm not good enough to accomplish anything.

I also let people get way to close to me. I may be slow to trust but when that happens I am quick to love, which means that I usually end up missing people so bad that it hurts and when I don't get to talk to them, it hurts even more. I need to employ a new philosophy and not let anybody else in because this is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of people who walk into my life...stay for awhile...and then turn around and walk back out. I need people for life. I need to be able to talk to you and for you to answer me. I need you to be there for me like I always am for you.

But that's just how I am. I will continue to be the greatest friend possible and always being there for people 24/7. Someday's I wish I could have somebody to talk to about anything and wouldn't be judged because the things that bother me are usually stupid and petty and probably shouldn't even be bothering me at all.

I just want to be loved for me and for people to want to call me for no reason at all just to talk....

*Amanda*

Time For A Change

Some say change is good, while others are afraid to go about it. I was never one for changing things but I figured now is a good of time as any. It all started with me deciding to rearrange my room. It hasn't been touched since I moved in almost 7 years ago. It was neat being able to take everything out, like completely empty the inside and put it all back in...but differently.

The same could be said about life. You decide you want to do something different with your life, so you clense everything on the inside before you can make new again. I feel like I have grown up more this past year, or maybe I'm just realizing how stupid I acted last year. Each year is another chance to better yourself and to leave yourself open for a chance to change.

But it doesn't happen very fast, because it took me the entire day to change my room, so change doesn't come easy. It's like you are revisiting parts of yourself that you didn't remember because things get lost through time. There were some things I found that was great while others were very upsetting.

One thing I like to save is cards that I've received from people. Today I realized that I had some since my 16th Birthday and every celebration that has happened up to Christmas of last year. There are some birthday cards I have from people who are no longer in my life, but different people have stepped in to fill that void and have given me so much more. My fellow workers at the shelter are always there whenever I need them. They know almost everything about me and since I am the youngest there, they like to pick on me but I know they love me!

So change can bring about alot of new things, because without deciding to change my room I never would have been able to remember all the things about my past. Now I hope I can keep changing for the better each year.

*Amanda*

New Orleans Through My Eyes

Recently I had the chance to go on a missions trip to New Orleans to help victims from Hurricane Katrina. Me and a team of 12 others from Greenville College all piled in two traverses and drove the 12 hours to Louisiana over Spring Break. There were many reasons that I chose to go. The above video was shot by a TV station crew during the week I was down there. I am the one with the green headband and white sunglasses off to the left-hand side. I may only be shown for few seconds but that's a few seconds on tv so I don't care!

I never got a chance to travel when I was younger so the thought of a road trip through a bunch of states was exciting. Before I never got a chance to get to know the other people on my team very well because we all come from different backgrounds. By the time the trip was over we all became really great friends and know things about each other that only friends tell each other. Living with each other for the week really brought us closer together and I am very greatful for that. While we never actually got to stay in the city, we stayed outside in a little town calle Slidell at the Faith Bible Church. Here we met another team of college students from Dordt College in Iowa. We quickly became really good friends and that helped the week pass easier out in the middle of nowhere! I also got the chance to work with a crew from San Antonio Texas. These were a group of middle school kids that came down with their youth leader. Getting to work with all these different types of people was great.

We didn't go down there just to bond mind you, we went down there with a purpose. We went down there to bring the people of New Orleans some relief and to show them that they aren't forgotten about. The tourist section of the city may be fixed and running again, but the inner city hasn't even been touched. It's littered with crime and drugs and it's a very scary place to raise a family. We were sent down into the heart of the inner city, where drugs and violence run ramped, to clean vacent lots and to show the people that we still care about them.

The first day I remember was pretty interesting because I've never been in the inner city before and New Orleans is known for having some of the highest crime rates around. It is also where alot of drug exchanges happen. We were told that this is were we would be working, the drug corner. The whole time we were there we were told to never go off alone and to always have a guy accompany us, just in case somebody tried to jump us. If that wasn't enough to scare you, there were drug exchanges going down the entire day. But honestly I didn't feel scared at all. Just because there are a few difficult people around doesn't mean they all were. We got to meet some great people and you can't beat southern hospitality. Just to learn their stories was amazing and my heart weapt for these people and the hardships that they continue to go through everyday.

We learned of this one man whose name was Robert. He was a prisoner in the jail when the hurricane hit. The guards thought that these prisoners lives wern't meant to be saved and left them locked up. With the water rising the people inside had nowhere to go locked in their cells. Robert was on the 6th floor of the jail and he told us that he could hear the people screaming through the floor as they drowned. All he could do was pray and hope that somebody would come for him. He lived without food and water for 6 days before he could be rescued but he couldn't shake the thought of all those people who died and the screaming. He told us that he tried to committ suicide by laying on the railroad tracks, but heard God's voice that told him to get up and appreciate his life, for he was alive.

The second lady I remember most was named Florence. She lost her entire block to the flood but decided to stay and rebuild with her children. Me and three other volunteers stayed all day and just talked to her. She was so lonely and didn't have very many people to talk to. We learned that in order to escape the flood she had to climb onto the roof of an abandoned elementary school, and she is over 70! We just sat and had lunch with her and talked about everything from how the city was before the flood, to the days when her husband was alive! She was so grateful to have people to spend the day with and told us to keep in contact with her. I haven't had time to write to her yet but I definitly will. Her and her daughter were really amazing and I felt so awesome to be able to help her.

Just to sit and learn all the hardships these people had to go through and then looking at everything we have made me feel horrible. We don't understand all the things we have and take for granted, while the people down there are trying to rebuild from nothing. They just want their old lives back and I was a part of the rebuilding. It was amazing to feel God's presence around us, I mean just from working and not feeling scared about the neighborhood we were in or to walk up to complete strangers and ask them about their stories. Everynight after work we would go on a prayer walk or head to the "challenge circle". With the prayer walk we just walked through the city and prayed over it, for God to help the people get the confidence to rebuild, or to just touch their lives so they can get on the right track again. We prayed for the people of New Orleans and whoever they needed or whatever they needed. It's amazing to see what all these people have gone through and still have a large amount of faith in the Lord. My favorite moment of the prayer walk was at the end when we learned about a church that is being rebuilt. It has gone through alot, from scams to poor building but now is in the hands of the Urban Impact workers. It's called House of Hope and it is the light in the storm for many people of the 9th Ward. The challenge circle was fun because we got to hang out with the kids in the projects and taught them about God. These children are growing up sometimes without proper role models and that can lead them down dangerous paths. We partnered with a guy named Dingo who runs the children's programs. Not only does he teach them to have fun in a safe way, he teaches them about Jesus and why it is great to have a relationship with Him. That is one of the main goals of Urban Impact Ministries, making New Orleans a neighbourhood where kids can ride their bikes and also spreading the love of God to everyone they meet.

Now we did get to have lots of bonding time while we were down there. From going to the beach in Mississippi or talking random pictures on a back highway, we found many ways to have fun. I can't wait to go back again and felt like this has been a life-changing experience. There was so much more that I didn't talk about here that only someone who's been there would know. I felt my faith has grown stronger and I just loved being able to say that I had a chance to help. We met so many amazing staff members from Urban Impact and getting to work with so many volunteers was great. I can't wait to go back!

*Amanda*

Beautiful You

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

-----Jonny Diaz-----

One day I will believe these words.
One day I will be able to like myself like I am supposed to.
Why can't I now you ask, I wish I knew the answer.
There are so many things I wish I could change, maybe that would make me more likeable.
I am surrounded by beautiful friends, why can't I just be like them?
I would love to be as pretty and beautiful as them. I stick out like a sore thumb sometimes.
But I am different, I am me and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Some of these people feel as though they need someone else to complete them.
Do they really love themselves then?
Do they need someone to tell them how pretty they are?
Do they even believe it themselves?
I had somebody, and he told me I was beautiful all the time. But he expected things out of me that I wouldn't do. There is to much responsibility to doing that and I'm not ready. I have morals and will continue to live up to them.
Did he tell me that just to make me do things?
Did he really think I was beautiful?
I could sit here and think about things like this all night, or I could just accept the fact that I am who I am.
I was made in God's liking and by His creation I look and act and feel the way I do.
To not like myself would be to not like what He has done.
We were created to fill a purpose and even though we may not know what it is at the moment, it is out there somewhere.
But even though I know these things, in the back of my mind I am still the insecure little girl I always have been that can't seem to love herself even though many people tell her.
I have been through alot in the past that made me doubt myself and everything I am.
I wondered what people would do if I wasn't here anymore, would they even miss me?
Maybe someday I will be able to live up to my potential and see myself like I am supposed to...that I was meant to.
People knock me down everyday and they don't realize how bad it hurts me, even though I don't let it show. I am not a brick wall where things just bounce off.
I am just paper and every little thing just rips right through.
Inside I'm just the little girl who just wants to be loved...who can't seem to hate even though it's a reality.
Some days I just want to be beautiful.
Everyday I just want to be loved.
 
*Amanda*

Oh Boys......

Why am I scared to let someone love me? Why am I hesitant to allow someone new into my life? I don't know the answers to these questions and I don't know anyone that can tell me.

I know somebody that wants the chance to be able to get to know me better and I'm keeping him at a distance and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've never met him before and he lives two states away. Maybe it's because he has the same last name as the person who hates me, even though they aren't related.

I mean he's been talking to me for a few days now and he seems really cool. It just scares me that I've never met him. He's willing to make the trip down here to come hang out with me, but what if he hates me once he sees me? Then he came all the way down here for nothing and it's a long way. I am just so confused right now and I don't know what to do. Why do these things always come down on me. I mean nobody ever likes me and when somebody finally says they do they have to live so freaking far away and have the name of the person who hates my guts. That shouldn't have anything to do with my thinking but once again I have to care about what somebody thinkgs of me. I should just let myself be happy and not care what anybody else thinks right? But that's not how my brain works apparently because I have to keep coming up with ways to talk myself out of this. Just the time we've been talking he seems like a really sweet guy and maybe he was just making conversation, who knows.

I just wish I knew what to do.....

*Amanda*

We Smile To Hide The Tears

So my biggest mistake in life is caring way to much about what other people think about me and overthinking every little thing. My biggest fear is people not answering me back whenever I go out of my way to try and talk to them. I get really scared when they don't answer back because I think that I did something wrong. I always just end up torturing myself trying to analyze every little detail that I said or did to find reasons why I am being ignored when usually the fact is that they can't get to the phone or just super busy.

I think so highly of these people and expect the things I do out of them because I would do the same thing for them. I always answer my phone 24/7 for people because you never know when you are going to be needed by your friends, no matter what time of the day or night it is. This is where people tend to take advantage of me because they will always know I will be there and I always end up getting hurt.

I am one of those people that needs to spend time with the people I care about. It's just how I am because just talking to people or texting is not the same thing. I need to be face to face with people and it hurts that for some that is impossible. I would love to spend more time with them but there are some barriers that are impossible to cross. Also there are some girls out there that need to be told they are loved before they can begin to feel it themselves, because in order for me to love myself I need to be told by other people that I am cared about, and how is that possible whenever I never get to talk to those people. I mean all I'm asking for is a few minutes of conversation and apparently that is extremely difficult for some people. If I could change these things about myself I would because it makes me feel clingy and needy and I hate that because I never wanted to be somebody like that. I just get so scared that they are going to walk out of my life and in order for me to keep them close I just like to hear their voice every once in awhile.

Sometimes I wish I was a different person, somebody whose mind isn't constantly at war with itself. But I know that the things that have happened to me in the past has made me the way I am today. I am a stronger because I have known pain.

So I know I can be annoying when I constantly try and make contact with people, but I ask you to bear with me. It is just the way I am and if I can stop it I would, but it terrifies me that you will walk out of my life. I have seen many people who I've gotten close to turn around and walk away and I just don't want that happening again because I love all of you like family and you all have been there for me when nobody else was. I thank God everyday that I have some of the most amazing people in my life and I don't want that to change. For apparently He thought I was strong enough to live this life....but I am stronger with you in it.

*Amanda*

Life's Imperfections

I have always tried to live my life in the greatest way possible. I love helping people and seeing the smile on their face when I did something to help them is just the awesomest feeling in the world. I do the things I do because it's just the way I am. I put others feeling first before even thinking about mine, which is usually how I end up getting hurt every time.

I shouldn't care about what others think about me, but sometimes it's all I can think about. I just can't stand somebody hating me and I keep wondering what I have done wrong and why it hurts me so much. I don't get angry at them, but completely opposite, even when I know that hate me so much I still can't find it in my heart to think bad things about them. But the thing is, I start believing all the things they say about me and thinking that I'm not good enough anymore.

Because at this moment I know somebody that has so much hatred for me and it hurts me so much because I still think this person is really cool and I feel horrible for causing all this trouble. I just don't know what to do because I really hope that the other people don't feel this way because I love them all. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't care so much and any normal person would just hate them back....but I can't do that. I can't find it in my heart to hate anybody.
Sometimes I even hate driving certain places because I'm scared I might meet up with them on the road and they would recognize me and think that I was following them or something. I know it sounds crazy and I know it makes me look crazy but I can't help it. I just don't want to make their lives any worse then I already did.

These are the times I wish I was just a secret and nobody even knew who I was because then I wouldn't get close to people and keep on getting hurt. This is why I love Greenville. Sometimes I just go there so I can escape Clinton Country because over there, people love me for the way I am and know me and the reasons why I do things. I don't have to try and be fake and pretend I like doing stupid things.

I know this shouldn't bother me but it does because when people you think highly of don't appreciate you...it makes you think that you aren't worth anything. So this is just another thing that is bothering me and I needed to get out.

Peace Out,
*Amanda*

The only man a girl can trust is her daddy....I would have to disagree.

I hear this phrase all the time and I never know what to do about it. I usually just stand there and slowly nod my head because I don't want to argue about it. Or I hear all my friends talk about how their dad has done all this stuff for them and again I just have to sit there and nod along like an idiot. Because for me, this was never true. What if your first real knowledge of men came from someone who wanted nothing to do with you?

I was supposed to be a boy, and when I wasn't it was a huge blow for my dad. He grew up working all his life on a farm and when his oldest was a girl, he believed I would be no help to him and refused to connect with me. I tried so hard to win his attention that I did every boy thing imaginable and I began to lose who I really was in the process. I was too young to know at the time but my efforts would never work. 4 years after me came my sister then 2 years later my brother and once that happened, you would have never realized he had two daughters.

He ended up leaving when I was 11 and I spent the next 8 years watching my mom try and find somebody again. Some would stay for awhile but realized she wanted to be married again, so they left. Others found out she had 3 kids and left very fast. I refused to get close to any of them, because I never knew how to trust men because of my dad and I always thought they would leave, which they ended up doing. I watched her get hurt over and over again and it hurt me so much because there was nothing I could do about it.

I didn't rebel like most kids without fathers do, I just plastered a big smile on my face and pretended like nothing was wrong and it worked. But everytime I see a dad and daughter it kills me because I never got a connection like that, I mean I never even got a hug from the guy much less anything else. We are two complete strangers to each other.....

Finally a year ago, our broken little family got a second chance. Mom met Keith, who didn't run like the others. He stayed, for life and they were married April 30, 2010. We entered into a whole new family and a huge one at that.

I still wonder what would have happened if Mom never met him because I can't remember when we've ever been this happy together. But it's times like right now, when I'm sitting here along at night, that I just get incredibly sad. Even though I still hate the man, he is my dad I wish I could have had a chance to do everything a little girl should get to do with her dad. I've missed out on all those things. In the past two years I've met some incredible people that showed me how to trust again and that it's ok to cry when your sad or show your weaknesses. I don't know what state I would be in if it wasn't for you guys and I thank God every single day that you have come into my life.

So I just felt the need to write this, because once I get it out, I don't feel quite as sad anymore. People tell me to think of the good times, but the thing is I don't have any...not even one I can think back on. Believe me I've tried.

So I would like to rewrite that phrase because it leaves alot of room for uncertainty. I'm sure I'm not the only one that doesn't agree with it, but so far I haven't met very many. So I believe that God sent someone knew to replace the one that left. Some prayers are left unanswered because He has something better planned if we only just trust Him and believe.

Who Am I?

Who am I? I often ask myself this question sometimes. These are some of the things that define me.
I am a sister-daughter-friend-Christian-college student-and a future veterinarian
I love learning about the world we live in.
I tend to think of myself a deep thinker.
I am very shy at first but once I feel comfortable with you, I will be the greatest friend you will ever have.
I refuse to let my past define who I am.
I am scared of the people I care about walking out of my life.
I just got a new step-dad and so far he's done more then my dad has done in 19 years and I am truely grateful to him for that
I never thought I would see the day my mom would be so happy, and I love that.
I have met the greatest people in my life right now and I wouldn't be where I am without them.
I love God and feel He has brought me through this life for a reason...and He isn't done with me yet. I may not understand the reasons why but I trust he knows what He's doing
I have a hard time expressing myself so this is all new to me
I would love to make a difference in the world
I am just a girl trying to find her place in the world.....one day at a time.
This is a day in the life of me :)