Where Has The Time Gone?

As I sit here supposed to be writing my book review, all my mind can think about is how much time I have left here....well until I move on to another school that is. I'm in the process of applying to vet school and can honestly say how terrifying this whole process is. Not in the leaving part, but starting all over again. There's just certain people here that I don't want to move away from.....I need them....I need them to be so close to me and not almost 3 hours+ away. But I'm excited to start another chapter in my life. I know that if they do love me like they appear to, it won't matter the distance between us....we can always pick up right where we leave off when they come see me or I go see them. I want to be out on my own. I want to know what it's like to be able to fend for yourself. Not that I haven't been doing that my whole life....I want to be financially independent instead of just emotionally. 


The book I'm writing on is entitled "Between Two World: The Inner Lives Of Children Of Divorce" by Elizabeth Marquardt. I honestly don't even have to read this book, I already know exactly what it's about. I lived this book. I lived the stories she mentions and the statistics she references. There was no such thing as a "Good Divorce" for my family but now that I am twenty-ones years old and my life has taken a dramatic turn for the great, sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together. I see how happy my dad and Brenda are together, a way that my mom and him never were. He genuinely loves this women and she is right for him. They complete each other and can put up with each other in a way that my mom and him never could. They were young and crazy and a year later I came along, which added stress to a young couple. She was twenty-one when I arrived....and I can't fathom the thought of it. That's my age. I can't see myself trying to raise a baby and a husband plus go to school and carry a job full-time. Yes, she has made plenty of mistakes in her life and lived a very questionable past, a past that I never wish to follow, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. I believe they both have found who they are supposed to be with, even if it wasn't each other. Sometimes God just doesn't want you to find that person until you are meant to.  


But back to my dilemma. I lived a very confusing life, a life that someone so young and innocent shouldn't have to live. It happened and I can't change that, but it opened the door to so many opportunities down the road. I wouldn't change what happened to me ever. My parents divorce made me grow up at 11, learn to take care of my two younger siblings, and gain the mind of an adult long before I should. Most people would see this as a negative thing, that I didn't have time to be a kid. I don't see it that way. I see it as gaining a new found knowledge, one that has strengthened my adult life. 


Look at me before and you would have seen a little girl with an adult mind trying to figure out everything while trying to hold everything together. A girl who never smiled for real. A girl who could never figure out what love actually was. Fast forward a decade and that same girl is now a woman who can smile her first real smiles, who knows real love even if it comes in a different package. I will never regret what brought about this change, no matter what happens. This is why I don't want to move away, but I know that when I do, better things are in store. If this love is real, which I believe in my heart it is, the miles between us will never mean a thing and nothing will cause that love to waver. I have never been happier in my entire life so please don't try and change that. 

New Life

So it's been almost a year since I've written something. My life is nowhere near what it used to be and I'm loving every minute of it. Granted it has been the scariest year of my life and also the most confusing time for me...there were so many things that I just didn't understand. Looking back I don't think my life would have ever ended up like this...I never saw this for myself. 

I do know I've learned so much this past year. Here's what I "think" I've figured out finally

1. Don't listen to your head....it only gets you in more trouble
2. Your heart is one of the greatest thinkers in the world....trust it
3. I overanalyze everything
4. I am a very insecure person
5. If you stop looking for something....eventually it will find you :)
6. No matter what I seem to do or how often I get scared....you still love me :)
7. Everything happens for a reason....just go with it
8. Not everything is a bad thing, you have to focus on the good to see it
9. If I'm always scared of saying the wrong thing....we would never get anywhere
10. Putting your feeling out there is sometimes the best thing
11. It's ok to be scared
12. It's perfectly fine to feel emotion
13. Some people are different...embrace it :)

This one here is my personal favorite!

1. You can be loved :)

Why I'm Changed

These feelings are new to me
I'm not used to being cared about


My life was going in the wrong direction
You came when I needed you the most


You broke through all the walls
I began to trust again


I was used to being on my own
You showed me I don't have to be


You tell me things, and I believe you
I feel safe for the first time in my life


I don't like being alone now
It scares me


I'm terrified of silence
I can't afford to lose you


You changed the way I view the world
It's not such a scary place anymore


I need communication
I like to know you will always be there


I need you
Just like you need me

I may come off strong.....but it's all I've ever known

It's pure defense.....I put up walls to keep myself distant and avoid the heartache I've known all my life. I've seen so many people turn and walk away and leave me alone, and it hurt so much the first time. I just can't put myself through that once again.
The relationships I have now with people are slow in trusting, but it's still a work in progress. I was deceived very young by the one man that is supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what. He is the man who is supposed to protect you from the cold, cruel world until you are strong enough to face it yourself. He took my  trust with him when he walked from our family when I was only 11. I was thrown into the world way before I was ready and it has shaped me into what I am today. I knew how to take care of myself long before others should know what it feels like. I was responsible for two other lives long before someone at my age should have been.
Do I regret the way my life turned out? Of course not. Granted I had to grow up way to soon, but it showed me what the world was really like instead of being sheltered by parents. I learned to only rely on myself.
I've only had one person break down the many layers of walls I had built around myself. He chose to enter my life and continue to try and get through to me. I owe him so much because he has continued to keep my on the right track. He became like family and the father-figure I was desperately needing without realizing it. I don't know where I would be without him.
So I'm not sure if anybody actually reads this, but I dare you to try and see past all the defensive, scary fronts that I put on....and see the little girl underneath who just wants affection, and just somebody to love her....

Trust is Everything....once you find it again

Trust....it may seem like such a small thing to you, but to me I have to learn to do it everyday. I know exactly why I am so hesitant to trust again and I can't seem to push past it. I'm so scared to lose the people in my life right now, or if they don't answer me, I think that I did something wrong and they are going to leave me. I can't handle anymore people walking out of my life.

Recently I've just given up all my fears and worries to God and let Him run with them. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders to know that I am not alone in my fight. I have some of the greatest friends to back me up, especially at Greenville. You guys have helped me see the things I need to do to get my life back on the happy track and not to worry so much. I am forever grateful for all of you and I wouldn't know what to do without you.

Sometimes I slip and start thinking negative thoughts again, but I just have to remember that I am loved and nobody is going to leave me anytime soon. With my friends, it's so easy to trust them. They are my life and I need them so much. Just apparently with one person, I always think he is going to walk away and leave me alone...and I know why I think it and I can't seem to stop it. I know he cares about me because he told me, but my mind continues to think bad things when he doesn't answer me....I trust him completely and he is the only one I have given my complete trust to who is a guy...other then my grandpa. He has become like the father-figure I've never had, because mine is an alcoholic who likes to beat up on us...even though he took off almost 10 years ago.

For so long, I've built a wall around myself, locking away all feelings and emotions and putting on this strong front. He broke down the wall first and now I act like a little girl. I am the strong one. I am supposed to have it all together. I am the one who took care of my family when my dad took off. I had to become an adult at 13. So why now at 20, am I acting like a needy little girl around him? Maybe it's because I've never had a dad so a certain part of me is craving attention. I don't know but what I do know is I miss him..like alot and I can't stand the silence...I need you and you don't even know how much I do.....I wish you did

I am on the road to trusting again....and it's slowly coming about. I am trying to break myself of habits but it's not easy. I need constant conversation and I always have to know you will be there...I can't fix that. I love hugs but will continue to deny that I do and I will continue to be scared until the silence is broken.

But for now, I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing. I can't begin to understand you and I know I'm not supposed to, which is where my trusting begins. I just have to give it all to you and trust you to work in my favor....that's all anyone can do.

I Need You......And You Don't Even Know It......

So I guess I haven't posted in a very long time. I guess I just didn't have anything to say that hasn't been said already.

 I've been using this to speak about things I'm too cowardly to say out loud. I've always been better at getting things out in writing.

So many things have happened in my life since I last put something. School has begun again and let me tell you, it's been rough. Everything is super hard and I have my wits cut out for me that's for sure. I just don't know what I would do without all my amazing friends I have there. They have no idea how much they mean to me or how much I need them in my life. You know exactly who you are if you read this. 

But once again I can feel myself just falling apart inside. I may look like I have it all together on the outside but I don't have a clue how I'm doing it. I put on that smile and bury everything down deep where I don't have to feel it anymore.  I hate feeling this way, I hate being so needy all the time. I don't know how to stop it though. Like at the moment I am going on 4 days without talking to somebody who's been like the only father-figure in my life for the past 3 years. He used to call or text me everyday for the past couple weeks and I don't know why I'm not hearing from him...and it's killing me. I want so bad to reach out and ask him what's going on, but I don't want to annoy him. There are many times I sit here and think....why me?

 Why was I placed into this life to have everything imaginable go wrong? Why did the one person who was supposed to love me no matter what decide I wasn't worth it and walk out? Why can't I get a grip on myself to just deal?

I am just so afraid to talk about it with people and honestly I really want to. I want to open up to somebody. I want somebody to know all this so they can tell me everything will be ok.

Honestly.......I just want to be loved.....is that to much to ask?

*Amanda*

My Questionable Qualities

Everybody has some of these....those they hate and those they love. I have many quirks about myself that I wish I could change....just because I feel like they are extremely annoying to other people.

All of a sudden they all started coming to the surface all at once and I can't seem to handle them at all. My worst one is I feel so needy all the time. I always like to have constant contact with people either by calling or texting and I get extremely upset when I never hear back from people. I understand that they are busy and can't get a chance to get back to me, but it always scares me either way. I feel like they don't want to talk to me for some reason and then I rack my brain to find out the reason why that is...why I'm not good enough for them to talk to...where I went wrong.

I'm sure this is annoying and I can't help it. I used to never be this way until I met certain people and now I can't seem to stop doing it. I don't know maybe I'm just scared that they are going to walk out of my life and I know I can't take that again. I already lost somebody I thought would never leave and when he did, it was the hardest thing our family had to go through and now he doesn't even acknowledge my existance, which is totally alright with me but it still hurts alot....to see him everyday and know in your heart that he doesn't want anything to do with you....also makes you question where you went wrong or why you're not good enough.

I seem to be asking myself those questions alot lately and I wish I could find the answer and just fix it...that way I won't have anybody leave me again. It just scares me when people don't answer me back....and I don't want to be this way because I have never in my entire life been this needy before and I hate it....I just miss them so much and I would hate for them to walk out of my life and I don't get to see them at all the way it is.....and I don't know maybe I just wish they could know this themselves because I'm not trying to be this way. It just seems like I'm not asking for that much you know...a little phone call or text here and there so I know they haven't forgotten about me.....is that to much to ask for?