I may come off strong.....but it's all I've ever known

It's pure defense.....I put up walls to keep myself distant and avoid the heartache I've known all my life. I've seen so many people turn and walk away and leave me alone, and it hurt so much the first time. I just can't put myself through that once again.
The relationships I have now with people are slow in trusting, but it's still a work in progress. I was deceived very young by the one man that is supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what. He is the man who is supposed to protect you from the cold, cruel world until you are strong enough to face it yourself. He took my  trust with him when he walked from our family when I was only 11. I was thrown into the world way before I was ready and it has shaped me into what I am today. I knew how to take care of myself long before others should know what it feels like. I was responsible for two other lives long before someone at my age should have been.
Do I regret the way my life turned out? Of course not. Granted I had to grow up way to soon, but it showed me what the world was really like instead of being sheltered by parents. I learned to only rely on myself.
I've only had one person break down the many layers of walls I had built around myself. He chose to enter my life and continue to try and get through to me. I owe him so much because he has continued to keep my on the right track. He became like family and the father-figure I was desperately needing without realizing it. I don't know where I would be without him.
So I'm not sure if anybody actually reads this, but I dare you to try and see past all the defensive, scary fronts that I put on....and see the little girl underneath who just wants affection, and just somebody to love her....

Trust is Everything....once you find it again

Trust....it may seem like such a small thing to you, but to me I have to learn to do it everyday. I know exactly why I am so hesitant to trust again and I can't seem to push past it. I'm so scared to lose the people in my life right now, or if they don't answer me, I think that I did something wrong and they are going to leave me. I can't handle anymore people walking out of my life.

Recently I've just given up all my fears and worries to God and let Him run with them. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders to know that I am not alone in my fight. I have some of the greatest friends to back me up, especially at Greenville. You guys have helped me see the things I need to do to get my life back on the happy track and not to worry so much. I am forever grateful for all of you and I wouldn't know what to do without you.

Sometimes I slip and start thinking negative thoughts again, but I just have to remember that I am loved and nobody is going to leave me anytime soon. With my friends, it's so easy to trust them. They are my life and I need them so much. Just apparently with one person, I always think he is going to walk away and leave me alone...and I know why I think it and I can't seem to stop it. I know he cares about me because he told me, but my mind continues to think bad things when he doesn't answer me....I trust him completely and he is the only one I have given my complete trust to who is a guy...other then my grandpa. He has become like the father-figure I've never had, because mine is an alcoholic who likes to beat up on us...even though he took off almost 10 years ago.

For so long, I've built a wall around myself, locking away all feelings and emotions and putting on this strong front. He broke down the wall first and now I act like a little girl. I am the strong one. I am supposed to have it all together. I am the one who took care of my family when my dad took off. I had to become an adult at 13. So why now at 20, am I acting like a needy little girl around him? Maybe it's because I've never had a dad so a certain part of me is craving attention. I don't know but what I do know is I miss him..like alot and I can't stand the silence...I need you and you don't even know how much I do.....I wish you did

I am on the road to trusting again....and it's slowly coming about. I am trying to break myself of habits but it's not easy. I need constant conversation and I always have to know you will be there...I can't fix that. I love hugs but will continue to deny that I do and I will continue to be scared until the silence is broken.

But for now, I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing. I can't begin to understand you and I know I'm not supposed to, which is where my trusting begins. I just have to give it all to you and trust you to work in my favor....that's all anyone can do.